I told my fiancé the other night, “I hate feeling like everything is out of control in my life!”
That has been the biggest desire of my heart the last year.
This is my post (my post, dangit!! just kidding…). So I’m allowed to give myself the benefit of the doubt in mentioning that this has been a very overwhelming year for me, in good and bad ways.
But still. This longing is deep.
I recently heard someone talking about what she thought of a book she was recommending and she mentioned that it’s purpose was to help people “surrender the burden of control”.
I had to pause and think about that one…
Was control a burden?
Everybody desires met expectations. Why should this be burdensome for us?
It must be important to look at how we seek control.
Well, we may manipulate, bargain, negotiate…
We may change patterns of our thinking, or change our habits.
We may meditate on areas outside of our control, and devise ways to bring uncertainty within our tight grasp.
Maybe this is a fight…
This brought me back to some of my daily practices.
Tirelessly fighting uphill battles to get the upper hand in matters that I should lay down at the feet of the Father.
Dude. Control IS a burden.
This would be the part of the show where I give you a 3 step method on how to fight the desire to control.
“How to Control Your Control Problem”
See why this is problematic?
This is us! This is how we think. I can’t be alone here.
I don’t mean lose the fire. I don’t mean give up. I don’t mean to stop acting in love. I don’t mean to be silent.
I mean to examine those intentions. And those ideas and plans that may currently be on the throne of our hearts. Because they shape us.
So I’m urging us today, myself included, to take a hard look at our longings.What we wish was different.What we are trying to manipulate.What we are beating ourselves up over.And hand it over.Open fist.Pure intentions.Surrender those unmet expectations to the Lord, who can do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine with our little.With our biggest little longings.Our five loaves of bread, and two fish.
What I desire to desire is my true portion. Forever and ever.